The Man Child

A post by Ken on Pattern Men

Growing up, I always wanted to have girls when I had kids. In a shallow way this was based in a desire to be worshipped by little toddling daughters who would wait at the window watching for me to get home from work every day. Deeper, however, it was rooted in the fact that if there's one thing I've tried to live by, it's to not add to the problems of the world. In my experience of the course of my life, men are a problem. The "good" ones seem to be good only by comparison. Men as a whole in this society are held to a remarkably low standard, and everyone thinks it's funny.

I don't.

Men have tempers they don't control, and when they're alpha enough, nothing is done about it. Men watch football instead of care for their families. Men teach their children to believe everything they believe, and get pissed off if they're different. Men treat women like shit, unless they're "good" men, who treat women like crap. Men don't have real friendships because of the intense homophobia that colors every action we have to take. That was a big one.

Hug a certain way, or people might think you're gay. Just sit and watch the game, don't talk about anything remotely emotional. Dancing is for pansies, even if it's with a woman. No reading-- that's what women and gay men do.

Maybe it's different in different regions of the U.S. This is the culture I grew up in. These were the men and the male culture I knew. After 18 or so I didn't really have or make male friends anymore. Not that I didn't meet guys who I had things in common with. It's just that they all depressed me.  I just couldn't take it. Any adult male friendship was all about events, or parties, or shared hobbies. There's nothing wrong with friendships building through those activities, but they never did. The conversation was so much banal bullshit, and either no one felt it but me, or like me no one really knew how to do things differently. And so many, many men are emotionally crippled because of it.

So, a while back, I found out Barbie and my second baby is going to be a boy. A male. A genuine son. I sat in the ultrasound room stunned after the technician told us. Barely noticed the rest of the show (he has a huge penis, btw, the little tyke).  I was convinced that, like our first baby, he would be a girl. Had names picked out and everything. Another wonderful, beautiful baby girl to drain my wallet and make me smile for the rest of my life. No dice.

Sitting there, I had to steel myself. Had to reconfigure my brain a bit. What the hell was I supposed to do with a boy? I'm not arrogant. I don't hold myself in such high esteem to think that I'll be able to succeed in raising a good man, where roughly 99% of the population seems to fail. Hell, I don't even know what a good man is. All I know is the men who surround me aren't.

In the end, though, I'm thoroughly excited to meet my new baby. And I'm ready. Ready to give it my best shot. I want to help build a strong man, full of knowing how to tell for himself what's right from wrong instead of having other people make up his mind for him.  If he's strong, I'll try to help him become a gentle giant-- the kind of kid who only ever hits somebody when they're picking on someone weaker. I don't know if he'll be okay, in the end. Society is a difficult adversary. But I do know that at some point most boys are okay. Most are good, and sensitive, and stronger in their hearts than in their chests. At some points it's society that pulls them one way or another. All I hope is that one day I'll look at my son with utter pride at how he's grown. How different he is from all the men who made me fear the thought of raising a son. How much he knows and thinks and loves and feels. All I can do is try, and maybe, just maybe, instead of just not adding to the problems of the world, I can actually help correct them.

The Myth of Male Stupidity & How it creates Self-fulfilling Prophecies

A Post by Barbie on buying into stereotypes:

We’ve all been privy to a scenario like this one:

      

Girl (we’ll call her Fiona) is busy showering, dressing, primping in front of the bathroom mirror. It’s almost time for her date to pick her up. She swathes on the rose-colored lipstick, the final, perfect touch for her heavy date, She blots, checks the mirror one more time. Perfecion.

Phone rings. It’s…let’s call him “Zeke.”  He tells Fiona sorry, change of plans—he’s gonna go watch the football game with his buddy instead of thei dinner and movie.

As Fiona sits on the bed and cries softly, Fiona’s mom sidles up to her, puts her arm around her shoulder and squeezes tight. “Well, he’s just a man,” she says, “They’re stupid.”

Now, call me crazy, but if Ken were to do things like this (he rarely does), I would not be having that reaction.  Why? Because no matter what society has let them think or get away with under this weird blanket we females have given them as an excuse for the bad behavior, the truth is, men aren’t stupid. They shouldn’t be give free-reign to behave as though they are. 

Because ladies, the more we talk about our men as if they are apes who simply can’t fathom why they shouldn’t blow off dates with girlfriends rather than holding them responsible for having standards for how they treat and behave around and regarding women, the more we’re telling them that yes, they’re allowed to play stupid and blow us off. We're telling them not to respect our time or relationships with us.

Every time you let your significant other “off the hook” using a “boys will be boys” sort of reasoning instead of having a conversation with him about why he’s “just being a man” instead of being responsible to you , you’re encouraging him to think of himself as just that “stupid man” who will continue to blow-off plans, say unacceptable, hurtful things to you, etc. In fact, you’ve given him free-reign to do it.

Until you and your significant other open a dialogue about why certain behaviors aren’t acceptable within your relationship and you continue play his, “I’m just a stupid male” games, he’s going to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Fantasy and Why It's Important

A Post By Ken On Romance

This blog post is on the topic of fantasy, and why it’s important for romantic humans and other living things, minus the other living things.

When I say fantasy, I don’t mean dragons, Hufflepuffs, or green absinthe fairies, either. I’m talking the fantasizing, sexual and otherwise, that people need in order for their lives to be something other than mundane, methodical, mechanical “m”ness that so many relationships unfortunately devolve into.

First, let’s open with some generalizations:

1.)    Both men and women need fantasies in order to get into an amorous mood.

2.)    The healthiest sex lives happen when both the men and women (or men and men, women and women, as the case may be) both have deep, imaginative fantasies and express them to each other’s mutual satisfaction.

3.)    As it stands, women tend to have deeper, more in-depth fantasies.

Number three is where a lot of disconnects happen in couples’ sex lives. It’s where a misunderstanding occurs, usually in men, regarding romance, preamble to intimacy, and how to approach it. To many men’s thinking, for instance, there can be a list of “right” things a good man does. This list may include sprinkling a trail of rose petals to the bed, fancy dinner, mood lighting, whatever. They may perform all these things like exactly that, a checklist. Then their wife gets home from work, and for some reason, she’s not quite as lubed as he might have hoped.

There’s another common scenario along these lines that may demonstrate the point a bit clearer. Say you (the guy) are at work all day, and you’re imaging making love to or fucking the hell out of your wife when you get home. You want to get her in on this mindset, so you pull out your phone and snap off a text. It may read something to the tune of, “Mmm, baby. I’d love to fuck you right now.”

Her reply may be something along the lines of, “Oh. Hot. Can you pick up a gallon of milk on the way home?”

Okay, so that response doesn’t really feel like you knocked one out of the park. Maybe when you get home, you set up the house sort of like I described in the previous example, rose petals and all, and she STILL doesn’t seem ready to go. Oh noes! Straightforward dirty talk didn’t work, and neither did sweet-as-honey romancin’? You can’t win! Are the fires dead? Has the sex gone stale already, just like everyone said it would since before you got married, because they’re assholes?

Hold on, slow down wait woah stop! Back up. It’s not as bad as you think. There’s a reason something went wrong here, and it’s entirely correctable. But first, some science.

I’ll preface this by saying, both men and women should really enjoy the kind of fantasy I’m about to delve into. The generalizations I’m making by gender are unfortunate, but unfortunately often true.

Guys, here’s a secret to female smexuality: Where guys fantasize in images like massive cocks plunging into tight vaginas (or other places), women fantasize about all the different stages of sex. From sweet texts/gifts/phone calls during the day to the way you nibble her whatever-you-please when you’re naked in the dark, to when you lick the sweat off each other afterward, right through to the moment when you wake up and open your eyes and see her the next morning.

That’s why when you sent that aforementioned text during the day about wanting to fuck her, it didn’t fall flat because she’s frigid, it fell flat because it’s an incomplete picture. It’s like if you sent her a picture of Ronald McDonald, but it was cropped just to his big, sexy red feet. Or something.

“But wait!” you say. “Sure, that didn’t work, but what about all that shit I did when I got home? Complete picture? I practically painted a canvas by hand.”

See, now we get to where the fantasy part comes in. For a woman to be properly involved in the fantasy scene you set up for her she has to, well, fantasize about it. She has to anticipate it, imagine how great it will be, live it in her head so that by the time she gets home it’s like stepping into a movie she knows and loves already. What’s more, and this is the really hard part, part of her fantasy is that you fantasize about it, too. That’s why the surprise of it all doesn’t  always go so well.

The same thinking applies to the harder stuff, too. A man sitting around at work imagining flipping his wife onto her back and letting out a roar straight from his chest as he pounds orgasm after orgasm out of her is fantasy, and that’s healthy for him. And your average straight woman with a healthy sex drive can appreciate this one, too, if he actually tells her the fantasy, and why he’s imaging it. Say, because he finds her hot as hell and won’t be satisfied until they fuck.

Therein lies another fantasy, and it’s one of the hottest a woman can have: imagining the man she loves fantasizing about her. Now, granted, you’ll always do a lot better if you tell her how you’re focusing on more romantic things in addition the whole fucking image. Maybe tell her how you imagine picking her up and carrying her along that trail of rose pet- heh hehe *cough cough* Shit sorry, I can’t write that lame shit and keep a straight face. But whatever works for you. Points is, tell her how hot YOU find the idea, and you might be surprised how much she warms to the idea. Conversely, if you imply that the trimmings are tedious to you, that you think romance is stupid, that you just want to blow it all over her breasts so you can then go watch the game, that you’re only willing to go through the froo-froo shit so SHE will be happy (That’s real big of you. Douche.), then you might notice she’ll have a distinct lack of interest in\desire for your milk and cookies.

Guys, maybe fantasize about more than just the hard fucking all day. Maybe your wives aren’t into the rose petal bullshit. But think about the things you two are into. Think of things you like about the way you and your wife share your intimacy, and tell her how you feel about those things, especially how much you love them and why, even if you think she already knows. Tell her about the first part of your day, when you wake up next to her and wish you could stay there and hold her instead of going to work. While at work, tell her how you wish you were home with her, how you’d guide her to bed, lower her down, and kiss her for hours. How you’d make love to her, and all the things it would mean to you. You know, even tell her how you can imagine the two of you content in the living room afterward, doing your own things, but how happy her love for you makes you. And for God’s sake, tell her some time other than when your hands are reaching for her soft round tail.

When you get home, be romantic and let whatever will happen, happen.  It may not be like either of you had fantasized. It may be a lot better, but as long as you’re thinking about each other and what each other is feeling, it’s going to be really, really good.

Husband and Wife Confidentiality

A Post by Barbie On Trust

Once upon a time in a land that was (thank, God) far away, I almost married a man who knew about as much about caring for things between two would be spouses as he did about how to cancel his Sunday tee-time.  Nothing.  I would tell him things that I assumed (wrongly) that he would understand were to remain between us as future spouses.  I thought I was protected by husband/wife confidentiality (or in our case, fiance confidentiality).

And I'm not even talking little things like telling him I planned to surprise my Mom with a Siberian husky puppy on her birthday, then he spilled the secret.  I'd have loved for it to be something that innocuous.  Nope, the times Tristan showed me we had little to no husband/wife confidentiality between us were much more important.

Imagine, if you will, that you discover your fiance's best guy friend has had some less than flattering things to say about you to mutual friends.  You're understandably upset, so you go to your fiance, not for him to fix it, but rather, just for his reassurance and support.  Now imagine that against all your protests, suddenly he has called his friend, has him coming over so that the three of you can all "talk this out," and when his friend arrives, your fiance opens text messages you sent him earlier in the day to read aloud in front of his friend so that the three of you can have "everything on the table."

But you didn't WANT everything on the table!  All you wanted was love and support from your fiance, to talk to him and confide your feelings in him.

This brings me to my point about husband/wife confidentiality. Which, I call it husband/wife confidentiality, but it can be boyfriend/girlfriend confidentiality. Whatever state your relationship is in if it is, in fact, the type of relationship to which I'm referring.  This doesn't mean that everything said between a couple must be kept between the two of them and only them for all time--not by any means.  What it does mean, however, is that couples should practice some common sense and realize when your significant other comes to you to talk about things of a sensitive nature it might not be the best judgment to blab her feelings and thoughts to anyone who will listen.  After all, your significant other is yours to protect, and his or her thoughts should be kept close to your heart and safeguarded, as he or she has trusted you enough to share them.

Your spouse should feel they can open their heart and mind to you without fear that you will drop the ball--or the secrets of their hearts--out into conversation (or heaven forbid, arguments with other people) for anyone to hear.  Make a commitment to your spouse today and every day to listen and hear the deepest needs, worries, problems, fears they have, then make a commitment to yourself that you will tuck those needs, worries, problems, and fears deep into the place you would store your own secrets.  Respect them in the same way you would your own. 

Because once a husband betrays a confidence or a wife betrays a husband's confidence, there is a fissure in their relationship that may be difficult if possible to repair.

However, if that husband/wife confidentiality is strong and true, the way mine and Ken's is now, you'll feel comfortable telling each other anything and everything.  You'll never be afraid they might slip up and tell someone something you don't want them to know or that you have to issue a disclaimer  of "keep this between the two of us" every time you confide in your significant other.  The comfort and trust that comes with knowing you can talk to your spouse about anything and everything deepens the bond between you in ways many things can't.  It lets you know they have you, no matter what.

Why "Suck it, Baby" Doesn't Work

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Finally Getting It Right: An Introduction

Her Story:

Two years ago I knew I'd be married today.  What I didn't know is who exactly I’d be married to, because two years ago my life was very different. I spent my days at Giant Company of Doom working my tail off in their advertising department (where I'd previously sold my soul to the devil to achieve a menial, entry-level position), then my evenings going home to my fiancé-at-the-time, Tristan the Great.  He was fun, energetic, the life of the party—which everyone but me loved about him.

Which brings me to how I met my co-author— and now husband— Ken.

Tristan the Great and Ken both worked at the same Giant Company of Doom as me, only they worked in Graphic Design.  I'd met Ken several times, since I often tagged along when Tristan went out for drinks with coworkers from his department.  From what I knew of Ken, he seemed like a nice guy.  Quiet, but nice.  Little did I know that soon he'd become my biggest help and ally.

Two years later, I sit, a little older and a little wiser, but infinitely happier.  I'm married to the man of my dreams, and we have a relationship that, before I met Ken, I thought was only possible in sappy movies or in the most well-imagined romance novels.  It's a relationship filled with mutual trust, respect, and more sex that I ever thought I’d want!

So what makes our relationship different from other relationships?  We're not entirely sure, but we've sure come up with a lot of theories. One of them is that so many couples think they're in love, but they're actually "doing" love wrong.  They act within romantic relationships in ways simply because over the years, they've learned by example of family or tall tales from friends or pop culture references and gender stereotypes that it is how all couples should and do act within a monogamous relationship.

                                                                                                                          ~Barbie~

His Story:

Two years ago I found what I needed more than anything else in my life. For different people it's different things, but for me it's a person. I'm going to shock you now: I'm talking about my co-host, Barbie.

Barbie came into my life two years ago, and we didn't fall in love at first sight. She was engaged to one of our coworkers at the time. A fairly decent guy as near as I could tell. I was no home-wrecker, they seemed happy, and what's more I had no interest in finding love. Back in high school I had a rough experience. I've always been an old soul, and I fell for a teenage girl (Amber) hard and deep. Harder than high schoolers are supposed to be able to love someone. When life happened and we went our separate ways to college, I was a lot more devastated than she was. There was a level of feeling she never got to, a place within herself that she never found for me, and it kept what we had from ever becoming something greater than it was. I spent years watching for that feeling to happen again with someone else, that element of something real that I sensed could lead to something incredible. But I didn't find it. Five years passed, total, and I eventually decided to content myself to be a bachelor (and a goddamned happy one, at that) for the rest of my life if the right person never came along.

Here's the thing, though. Barbie's fiancé, Tristan, wasn't a fine, upstanding individual. And love wasn't finished with me. Soon we found we had to ally together through one of the most bizarre situations of each of our lives, and along the way we learned a whole lot about love. If you keep reading this blog you'll find all the things we've learned, and maybe even get to know our story, strange as it is.

                                                                                                                                --Ken