Monday, July 2, 2012

Husband and Wife Confidentiality

A Post by Barbie On Trust

Once upon a time in a land that was (thank, God) far away, I almost married a man who knew about as much about caring for things between two would be spouses as he did about how to cancel his Sunday tee-time.  Nothing.  I would tell him things that I assumed (wrongly) that he would understand were to remain between us as future spouses.  I thought I was protected by husband/wife confidentiality (or in our case, fiance confidentiality).

And I'm not even talking little things like telling him I planned to surprise my Mom with a Siberian husky puppy on her birthday, then he spilled the secret.  I'd have loved for it to be something that innocuous.  Nope, the times Tristan showed me we had little to no husband/wife confidentiality between us were much more important.

Imagine, if you will, that you discover your fiance's best guy friend has had some less than flattering things to say about you to mutual friends.  You're understandably upset, so you go to your fiance, not for him to fix it, but rather, just for his reassurance and support.  Now imagine that against all your protests, suddenly he has called his friend, has him coming over so that the three of you can all "talk this out," and when his friend arrives, your fiance opens text messages you sent him earlier in the day to read aloud in front of his friend so that the three of you can have "everything on the table."

But you didn't WANT everything on the table!  All you wanted was love and support from your fiance, to talk to him and confide your feelings in him.

This brings me to my point about husband/wife confidentiality. Which, I call it husband/wife confidentiality, but it can be boyfriend/girlfriend confidentiality. Whatever state your relationship is in if it is, in fact, the type of relationship to which I'm referring.  This doesn't mean that everything said between a couple must be kept between the two of them and only them for all time--not by any means.  What it does mean, however, is that couples should practice some common sense and realize when your significant other comes to you to talk about things of a sensitive nature it might not be the best judgment to blab her feelings and thoughts to anyone who will listen.  After all, your significant other is yours to protect, and his or her thoughts should be kept close to your heart and safeguarded, as he or she has trusted you enough to share them.

Your spouse should feel they can open their heart and mind to you without fear that you will drop the ball--or the secrets of their hearts--out into conversation (or heaven forbid, arguments with other people) for anyone to hear.  Make a commitment to your spouse today and every day to listen and hear the deepest needs, worries, problems, fears they have, then make a commitment to yourself that you will tuck those needs, worries, problems, and fears deep into the place you would store your own secrets.  Respect them in the same way you would your own. 

Because once a husband betrays a confidence or a wife betrays a husband's confidence, there is a fissure in their relationship that may be difficult if possible to repair.

However, if that husband/wife confidentiality is strong and true, the way mine and Ken's is now, you'll feel comfortable telling each other anything and everything.  You'll never be afraid they might slip up and tell someone something you don't want them to know or that you have to issue a disclaimer  of "keep this between the two of us" every time you confide in your significant other.  The comfort and trust that comes with knowing you can talk to your spouse about anything and everything deepens the bond between you in ways many things can't.  It lets you know they have you, no matter what.

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