Monday, July 2, 2012

Husband and Wife Confidentiality

A Post by Barbie On Trust

Once upon a time in a land that was (thank, God) far away, I almost married a man who knew about as much about caring for things between two would be spouses as he did about how to cancel his Sunday tee-time.  Nothing.  I would tell him things that I assumed (wrongly) that he would understand were to remain between us as future spouses.  I thought I was protected by husband/wife confidentiality (or in our case, fiance confidentiality).

And I'm not even talking little things like telling him I planned to surprise my Mom with a Siberian husky puppy on her birthday, then he spilled the secret.  I'd have loved for it to be something that innocuous.  Nope, the times Tristan showed me we had little to no husband/wife confidentiality between us were much more important.

Imagine, if you will, that you discover your fiance's best guy friend has had some less than flattering things to say about you to mutual friends.  You're understandably upset, so you go to your fiance, not for him to fix it, but rather, just for his reassurance and support.  Now imagine that against all your protests, suddenly he has called his friend, has him coming over so that the three of you can all "talk this out," and when his friend arrives, your fiance opens text messages you sent him earlier in the day to read aloud in front of his friend so that the three of you can have "everything on the table."

But you didn't WANT everything on the table!  All you wanted was love and support from your fiance, to talk to him and confide your feelings in him.

This brings me to my point about husband/wife confidentiality. Which, I call it husband/wife confidentiality, but it can be boyfriend/girlfriend confidentiality. Whatever state your relationship is in if it is, in fact, the type of relationship to which I'm referring.  This doesn't mean that everything said between a couple must be kept between the two of them and only them for all time--not by any means.  What it does mean, however, is that couples should practice some common sense and realize when your significant other comes to you to talk about things of a sensitive nature it might not be the best judgment to blab her feelings and thoughts to anyone who will listen.  After all, your significant other is yours to protect, and his or her thoughts should be kept close to your heart and safeguarded, as he or she has trusted you enough to share them.

Your spouse should feel they can open their heart and mind to you without fear that you will drop the ball--or the secrets of their hearts--out into conversation (or heaven forbid, arguments with other people) for anyone to hear.  Make a commitment to your spouse today and every day to listen and hear the deepest needs, worries, problems, fears they have, then make a commitment to yourself that you will tuck those needs, worries, problems, and fears deep into the place you would store your own secrets.  Respect them in the same way you would your own. 

Because once a husband betrays a confidence or a wife betrays a husband's confidence, there is a fissure in their relationship that may be difficult if possible to repair.

However, if that husband/wife confidentiality is strong and true, the way mine and Ken's is now, you'll feel comfortable telling each other anything and everything.  You'll never be afraid they might slip up and tell someone something you don't want them to know or that you have to issue a disclaimer  of "keep this between the two of us" every time you confide in your significant other.  The comfort and trust that comes with knowing you can talk to your spouse about anything and everything deepens the bond between you in ways many things can't.  It lets you know they have you, no matter what.

Why "Suck it, Baby" Doesn't Work

 A Post By Ken On Sex

Bear in mind, the following examples are doing it wrong. But you all know what I’m talking about here, whether you do it wrong or not.  Guy and girl are having sex, things are naked, full of blood. It’s hot, it’s down, it’s fun, it’s going strong. And you know what the guy thinks would be really nice? A blowjob.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting oral sex. There’s nothing wrong with either of you not wanting to receive or perform it, either. This post kind of assumes it’s mutual. If it’s something you need and your wife is willing to fill that need then, by all means, it should be taken care of. That said, this post isn’t about the gift itself, but the spirit in which it is given.

Here’s the thing: your wife probably wants to please you. If you have frequent oral sex, and you indicate to your wife that you want it at any given time, if she loves you she’s probably going to want to give it to you, to make you happy and thrill you with what she can do to you. That is, if she feels that you love her, respect her, and crave the pleasure she can give you. It’s also worth noting that if she doesn’t feel these things she may still give it to you because you’re annoying and demanding and she just wants you to lay off and hopefully be sexually satisfied for a couple days so she can have a break from servicing you. But it’ll be for all the wrong reasons and it will never- lemme repeat that- NEVER be as good for you or for her than if you take care of the emotions surrounding the act as well. Let me explain.

The example of what I’m talking about is the slightly porn-ish “suck it, baby”. You’ve seen this movie. The aging, gone-to-seed bald dude pushes an eighteen-year-old who totes wants his bod down onto her knees and she takes his huge donkey penis in her mouth. He makes a “this is great, I’m so sexy” face and says “suck it, baby”. She gets him off, then the screen does some sort of preset fadeout before the stars trudge off to take a nap before their next shoot.

Okay, first of all “baby”? Really? Have you thought about that name much? That’s another post.

So, this’d be extremely disrespectful to your wife. It’s using her for a sexual act, treating her little better than one of those rubber vaginas on sale at Consigned Condoms. Beyond that, though, here’s a fun fact in play here: it’s not as good for you sexually than if you did it the right way. There’s physiological science to back this up, though I don’t really care about it so I’ll let you Google it. There are also some psychological things I would like to talk about, though.

A few years ago Ryan Gosling did character study for a role he was playing (I think it was Drive, but I’m not sure). He said he watched a ton of couples, a whole lot of dysfunction, and he observed that the women tended to take issue with their husband’s various bad habits. Maybe too quiet, leaves the toilet seat up, doesn’t help out around the house enough, is cheap, never has time for her, etc. Then he asked the guys what their main issue with their wives was. The collective answer was something along the lines of, “Mainly just that she has all those issues with me.”

I’m not going to dive into the murky waters of which gender is right here and which one is wrong. It’s irrelevant to the post. The point is where each one is coming from on a fundamental level. The wives complained mostly about things they weren’t receiving, things their husbands weren’t giving them. Their husbands complaint? That their wives didn’t accept them, or things about them. See the correlation? To receive something, you have to accept it. To be accepted, you have to give what the other person needs.

This is also a picture of sex, by its very nature. Men are the plug, women, the socket. Bolts and nuts. There are, trust me, no good terms in which to describe this fact (at least on the surface), because it’s been kind of degraded by misogyny in society.  But, really, if the love and respect are there, hard terms like “give” and “take” can refer to incredible things. A man who loves a woman wants to give her sexual pleasure and feels immense satisfaction when she accepts him, emotionally and physically. And a woman who loves a man and shares a deep, emotional connection with him will also feel a similar emotional connection when she accepts the man she loves and receives the sex he gives her.

How does this relate to oral sex, you ask? Think about it. Right oral sex can be two things, physical and emotional. No matter what it’s an intense feeling of physical pleasure. That’s why guys who take it from their wives selfishly think they have it good. Sucks for them, because there can be more to it.

If on a fundamental level what a man craves most emotionally during sex is acceptance, think about what oral sex would represent. I’m going to say something that might make you giggle a bit, but I say it in all seriousness: this acceptance applies to hundreds of different things, big and small, shallow and deep (no puns intended), including but not limited to a man’s penis.

The penis has earned itself a deservedly bad rap.  It’s used as an insult, given the same kind of abuse as a girl in the phrase “cry like a girl”. Boys cry too, and some girls don’t. It’s cruel bigotry. By that same token, though you probably associate dick, prick, cock, etc. with profanity and insults, the penis itself isn’t a malicious or shameful thing no matter how much some men abuse it. A respectful husband feels an instinctive desire for his wife to accept his whole body, including that part of him that society associates with selfishness and damage. Some men have a deep-seated shame of it, conscious or not, because of that association. A wife accepting it can give a man an incredible feeling of love.

So what can and should oral sex be emotionally? To a woman it can be the selfless gift of pleasure from her husband, a delightful thing she receives from him. To the husband it’s a loving, generous acceptance of his body and his person, his intentions and his love. Because for it to happen, for a woman to want to give him that, to want him to have that pleasure from her, it has to mean she’s received the best he has to give her emotionally, the deepest of his intentions toward her and for her, and found them perfect, trustworthy, and safe. It means she can perform that act without feeling shame, knowing she has the respect of her husband, his love and admiration, and that she’s only creating more of those things in him when she does it. This is because once he gets there from oral sex, there’s only so much he can do for her in return, at least for a while. For a woman, it’s a more selfless thing. And for it to be healthy emotionally the woman has to know that even if her man can’t reciprocate in some ways right away, he has to care than he can’t, and appreciate her for what she’s done.

That’s where some men get it wrong and don’t understand what they’re missing. They crave the physical feeling, sure. But they also crave something more they don’t always realize. They crave for her to want to do it. They crave the acceptance that comes with it, and it makes them say things like, “suck it, baby” and “you like that, don’t you, baby? Tell me you like it.” ([girly voice] “Oh. Oh daddy. You are so hot. Give it to me... *yawns*”). It’s why, after it’s over, he rolls over and goes to sleep, and she glares at him for a while, then is bitchy to him the entire next day (week?). The guy has no idea he did anything wrong, or that he’s missing out on something very, very right.

In conclusion, what to do about it? Well, for starters, don’t feel entitled to it. I know I said there’s nothing wrong with you wanting it, or getting it, but bear in mind the two way emotional street. Remember the rule? Women receive what they need. Men get accepted. Want to get accepted? Give your wife what she needs. And I don’t mean your spooge. Find out what makes your wife feel loved, and give it to her. 

Let me just say, if you can’t figure out what your wife needs, then there’s someone way more qualified to tell you that than me. Go to the book store, look up a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book will tell you in perfectly logical, functional terms how to identify what your wife needs from you, and help you figure out how to give it to her.

After you start giving your wife what she needs, the next step is to be patient. You go into a sort of trust probationary period during which time you shouldn’t in any way, shape or form solicit her to wrap her lips around your penis. I’ll tell you a secret: she knows you want it. You don’t have to tell her. She can feel what you need. When she starts drifting down there she can also feel exactly how much respect you have for her. Let her take her time, and then let her hear how it makes you feel. Tell her while she’s doing it. And, here’s a tip: if it makes you love her, value her, and she’s thrilling you, delighting you, pleasing you beyond belief, try telling her that. Say, “Holy shit, I love you,” instead of “suck it, baby”. Show her that’s what using her mouth on you makes you feel, and see if she doesn’t enjoy doing it more often. In fact, see if it's not a hell of a lot better for you.

You’re welcome.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

Finally Getting It Right: An Introduction

Her Story:

Two years ago I knew I'd be married today.  What I didn't know is who exactly I’d be married to, because two years ago my life was very different. I spent my days at Giant Company of Doom working my tail off in their advertising department (where I'd previously sold my soul to the devil to achieve a menial, entry-level position), then my evenings going home to my fiancĂ©-at-the-time, Tristan the Great.  He was fun, energetic, the life of the party—which everyone but me loved about him.

Which brings me to how I met my co-author— and now husband— Ken.

Tristan the Great and Ken both worked at the same Giant Company of Doom as me, only they worked in Graphic Design.  I'd met Ken several times, since I often tagged along when Tristan went out for drinks with coworkers from his department.  From what I knew of Ken, he seemed like a nice guy.  Quiet, but nice.  Little did I know that soon he'd become my biggest help and ally.

Two years later, I sit, a little older and a little wiser, but infinitely happier.  I'm married to the man of my dreams, and we have a relationship that, before I met Ken, I thought was only possible in sappy movies or in the most well-imagined romance novels.  It's a relationship filled with mutual trust, respect, and more sex that I ever thought I’d want!

So what makes our relationship different from other relationships?  We're not entirely sure, but we've sure come up with a lot of theories. One of them is that so many couples think they're in love, but they're actually "doing" love wrong.  They act within romantic relationships in ways simply because over the years, they've learned by example of family or tall tales from friends or pop culture references and gender stereotypes that it is how all couples should and do act within a monogamous relationship.


His Story:

Two years ago I found what I needed more than anything else in my life. For different people it's different things, but for me it's a person. I'm going to shock you now: I'm talking about my co-host, Barbie.

Barbie came into my life two years ago, and we didn't fall in love at first sight. She was engaged to one of our coworkers at the time. A fairly decent guy as near as I could tell. I was no home-wrecker, they seemed happy, and what's more I had no interest in finding love. Back in high school I had a rough experience. I've always been an old soul, and I fell for a teenage girl (Amber) hard and deep. Harder than high schoolers are supposed to be able to love someone. When life happened and we went our separate ways to college, I was a lot more devastated than she was. There was a level of feeling she never got to, a place within herself that she never found for me, and it kept what we had from ever becoming something greater than it was. I spent years watching for that feeling to happen again with someone else, that element of something real that I sensed could lead to something incredible. But I didn't find it. Five years passed, total, and I eventually decided to content myself to be a bachelor (and a goddamned happy one, at that) for the rest of my life if the right person never came along.

Here's the thing, though. Barbie's fiancé, Tristan, wasn't a fine, upstanding individual. And love wasn't finished with me. Soon we found we had to ally together through one of the most bizarre situations of each of our lives, and along the way we learned a whole lot about love. If you keep reading this blog you'll find all the things we've learned, and maybe even get to know our story, strange as it is.