Monday, July 2, 2012

Why "Suck it, Baby" Doesn't Work

 A Post By Ken On Sex

Bear in mind, the following examples are doing it wrong. But you all know what I’m talking about here, whether you do it wrong or not.  Guy and girl are having sex, things are naked, full of blood. It’s hot, it’s down, it’s fun, it’s going strong. And you know what the guy thinks would be really nice? A blowjob.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting oral sex. There’s nothing wrong with either of you not wanting to receive or perform it, either. This post kind of assumes it’s mutual. If it’s something you need and your wife is willing to fill that need then, by all means, it should be taken care of. That said, this post isn’t about the gift itself, but the spirit in which it is given.

Here’s the thing: your wife probably wants to please you. If you have frequent oral sex, and you indicate to your wife that you want it at any given time, if she loves you she’s probably going to want to give it to you, to make you happy and thrill you with what she can do to you. That is, if she feels that you love her, respect her, and crave the pleasure she can give you. It’s also worth noting that if she doesn’t feel these things she may still give it to you because you’re annoying and demanding and she just wants you to lay off and hopefully be sexually satisfied for a couple days so she can have a break from servicing you. But it’ll be for all the wrong reasons and it will never- lemme repeat that- NEVER be as good for you or for her than if you take care of the emotions surrounding the act as well. Let me explain.

The example of what I’m talking about is the slightly porn-ish “suck it, baby”. You’ve seen this movie. The aging, gone-to-seed bald dude pushes an eighteen-year-old who totes wants his bod down onto her knees and she takes his huge donkey penis in her mouth. He makes a “this is great, I’m so sexy” face and says “suck it, baby”. She gets him off, then the screen does some sort of preset fadeout before the stars trudge off to take a nap before their next shoot.

Okay, first of all “baby”? Really? Have you thought about that name much? That’s another post.

So, this’d be extremely disrespectful to your wife. It’s using her for a sexual act, treating her little better than one of those rubber vaginas on sale at Consigned Condoms. Beyond that, though, here’s a fun fact in play here: it’s not as good for you sexually than if you did it the right way. There’s physiological science to back this up, though I don’t really care about it so I’ll let you Google it. There are also some psychological things I would like to talk about, though.

A few years ago Ryan Gosling did character study for a role he was playing (I think it was Drive, but I’m not sure). He said he watched a ton of couples, a whole lot of dysfunction, and he observed that the women tended to take issue with their husband’s various bad habits. Maybe too quiet, leaves the toilet seat up, doesn’t help out around the house enough, is cheap, never has time for her, etc. Then he asked the guys what their main issue with their wives was. The collective answer was something along the lines of, “Mainly just that she has all those issues with me.”

I’m not going to dive into the murky waters of which gender is right here and which one is wrong. It’s irrelevant to the post. The point is where each one is coming from on a fundamental level. The wives complained mostly about things they weren’t receiving, things their husbands weren’t giving them. Their husbands complaint? That their wives didn’t accept them, or things about them. See the correlation? To receive something, you have to accept it. To be accepted, you have to give what the other person needs.

This is also a picture of sex, by its very nature. Men are the plug, women, the socket. Bolts and nuts. There are, trust me, no good terms in which to describe this fact (at least on the surface), because it’s been kind of degraded by misogyny in society.  But, really, if the love and respect are there, hard terms like “give” and “take” can refer to incredible things. A man who loves a woman wants to give her sexual pleasure and feels immense satisfaction when she accepts him, emotionally and physically. And a woman who loves a man and shares a deep, emotional connection with him will also feel a similar emotional connection when she accepts the man she loves and receives the sex he gives her.

How does this relate to oral sex, you ask? Think about it. Right oral sex can be two things, physical and emotional. No matter what it’s an intense feeling of physical pleasure. That’s why guys who take it from their wives selfishly think they have it good. Sucks for them, because there can be more to it.

If on a fundamental level what a man craves most emotionally during sex is acceptance, think about what oral sex would represent. I’m going to say something that might make you giggle a bit, but I say it in all seriousness: this acceptance applies to hundreds of different things, big and small, shallow and deep (no puns intended), including but not limited to a man’s penis.

The penis has earned itself a deservedly bad rap.  It’s used as an insult, given the same kind of abuse as a girl in the phrase “cry like a girl”. Boys cry too, and some girls don’t. It’s cruel bigotry. By that same token, though you probably associate dick, prick, cock, etc. with profanity and insults, the penis itself isn’t a malicious or shameful thing no matter how much some men abuse it. A respectful husband feels an instinctive desire for his wife to accept his whole body, including that part of him that society associates with selfishness and damage. Some men have a deep-seated shame of it, conscious or not, because of that association. A wife accepting it can give a man an incredible feeling of love.

So what can and should oral sex be emotionally? To a woman it can be the selfless gift of pleasure from her husband, a delightful thing she receives from him. To the husband it’s a loving, generous acceptance of his body and his person, his intentions and his love. Because for it to happen, for a woman to want to give him that, to want him to have that pleasure from her, it has to mean she’s received the best he has to give her emotionally, the deepest of his intentions toward her and for her, and found them perfect, trustworthy, and safe. It means she can perform that act without feeling shame, knowing she has the respect of her husband, his love and admiration, and that she’s only creating more of those things in him when she does it. This is because once he gets there from oral sex, there’s only so much he can do for her in return, at least for a while. For a woman, it’s a more selfless thing. And for it to be healthy emotionally the woman has to know that even if her man can’t reciprocate in some ways right away, he has to care than he can’t, and appreciate her for what she’s done.

That’s where some men get it wrong and don’t understand what they’re missing. They crave the physical feeling, sure. But they also crave something more they don’t always realize. They crave for her to want to do it. They crave the acceptance that comes with it, and it makes them say things like, “suck it, baby” and “you like that, don’t you, baby? Tell me you like it.” ([girly voice] “Oh. Oh daddy. You are so hot. Give it to me... *yawns*”). It’s why, after it’s over, he rolls over and goes to sleep, and she glares at him for a while, then is bitchy to him the entire next day (week?). The guy has no idea he did anything wrong, or that he’s missing out on something very, very right.

In conclusion, what to do about it? Well, for starters, don’t feel entitled to it. I know I said there’s nothing wrong with you wanting it, or getting it, but bear in mind the two way emotional street. Remember the rule? Women receive what they need. Men get accepted. Want to get accepted? Give your wife what she needs. And I don’t mean your spooge. Find out what makes your wife feel loved, and give it to her. 

Let me just say, if you can’t figure out what your wife needs, then there’s someone way more qualified to tell you that than me. Go to the book store, look up a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This book will tell you in perfectly logical, functional terms how to identify what your wife needs from you, and help you figure out how to give it to her.

After you start giving your wife what she needs, the next step is to be patient. You go into a sort of trust probationary period during which time you shouldn’t in any way, shape or form solicit her to wrap her lips around your penis. I’ll tell you a secret: she knows you want it. You don’t have to tell her. She can feel what you need. When she starts drifting down there she can also feel exactly how much respect you have for her. Let her take her time, and then let her hear how it makes you feel. Tell her while she’s doing it. And, here’s a tip: if it makes you love her, value her, and she’s thrilling you, delighting you, pleasing you beyond belief, try telling her that. Say, “Holy shit, I love you,” instead of “suck it, baby”. Show her that’s what using her mouth on you makes you feel, and see if she doesn’t enjoy doing it more often. In fact, see if it's not a hell of a lot better for you.

You’re welcome.

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