Sunday, August 12, 2012

Fantasy and Why It's Important

A Post By Ken On Romance

This blog post is on the topic of fantasy, and why it’s important for romantic humans and other living things, minus the other living things.

When I say fantasy, I don’t mean dragons, Hufflepuffs, or green absinthe fairies, either. I’m talking the fantasizing, sexual and otherwise, that people need in order for their lives to be something other than mundane, methodical, mechanical “m”ness that so many relationships unfortunately devolve into.

First, let’s open with some generalizations:

1.)    Both men and women need fantasies in order to get into an amorous mood.

2.)    The healthiest sex lives happen when both the men and women (or men and men, women and women, as the case may be) both have deep, imaginative fantasies and express them to each other’s mutual satisfaction.

3.)    As it stands, women tend to have deeper, more in-depth fantasies.

Number three is where a lot of disconnects happen in couples’ sex lives. It’s where a misunderstanding occurs, usually in men, regarding romance, preamble to intimacy, and how to approach it. To many men’s thinking, for instance, there can be a list of “right” things a good man does. This list may include sprinkling a trail of rose petals to the bed, fancy dinner, mood lighting, whatever. They may perform all these things like exactly that, a checklist. Then their wife gets home from work, and for some reason, she’s not quite as lubed as he might have hoped.

There’s another common scenario along these lines that may demonstrate the point a bit clearer. Say you (the guy) are at work all day, and you’re imaging making love to or fucking the hell out of your wife when you get home. You want to get her in on this mindset, so you pull out your phone and snap off a text. It may read something to the tune of, “Mmm, baby. I’d love to fuck you right now.”

Her reply may be something along the lines of, “Oh. Hot. Can you pick up a gallon of milk on the way home?”

Okay, so that response doesn’t really feel like you knocked one out of the park. Maybe when you get home, you set up the house sort of like I described in the previous example, rose petals and all, and she STILL doesn’t seem ready to go. Oh noes! Straightforward dirty talk didn’t work, and neither did sweet-as-honey romancin’? You can’t win! Are the fires dead? Has the sex gone stale already, just like everyone said it would since before you got married, because they’re assholes?

Hold on, slow down wait woah stop! Back up. It’s not as bad as you think. There’s a reason something went wrong here, and it’s entirely correctable. But first, some science.

I’ll preface this by saying, both men and women should really enjoy the kind of fantasy I’m about to delve into. The generalizations I’m making by gender are unfortunate, but unfortunately often true.

Guys, here’s a secret to female smexuality: Where guys fantasize in images like massive cocks plunging into tight vaginas (or other places), women fantasize about all the different stages of sex. From sweet texts/gifts/phone calls during the day to the way you nibble her whatever-you-please when you’re naked in the dark, to when you lick the sweat off each other afterward, right through to the moment when you wake up and open your eyes and see her the next morning.

That’s why when you sent that aforementioned text during the day about wanting to fuck her, it didn’t fall flat because she’s frigid, it fell flat because it’s an incomplete picture. It’s like if you sent her a picture of Ronald McDonald, but it was cropped just to his big, sexy red feet. Or something.

“But wait!” you say. “Sure, that didn’t work, but what about all that shit I did when I got home? Complete picture? I practically painted a canvas by hand.”

See, now we get to where the fantasy part comes in. For a woman to be properly involved in the fantasy scene you set up for her she has to, well, fantasize about it. She has to anticipate it, imagine how great it will be, live it in her head so that by the time she gets home it’s like stepping into a movie she knows and loves already. What’s more, and this is the really hard part, part of her fantasy is that you fantasize about it, too. That’s why the surprise of it all doesn’t  always go so well.

The same thinking applies to the harder stuff, too. A man sitting around at work imagining flipping his wife onto her back and letting out a roar straight from his chest as he pounds orgasm after orgasm out of her is fantasy, and that’s healthy for him. And your average straight woman with a healthy sex drive can appreciate this one, too, if he actually tells her the fantasy, and why he’s imaging it. Say, because he finds her hot as hell and won’t be satisfied until they fuck.

Therein lies another fantasy, and it’s one of the hottest a woman can have: imagining the man she loves fantasizing about her. Now, granted, you’ll always do a lot better if you tell her how you’re focusing on more romantic things in addition the whole fucking image. Maybe tell her how you imagine picking her up and carrying her along that trail of rose pet- heh hehe *cough cough* Shit sorry, I can’t write that lame shit and keep a straight face. But whatever works for you. Points is, tell her how hot YOU find the idea, and you might be surprised how much she warms to the idea. Conversely, if you imply that the trimmings are tedious to you, that you think romance is stupid, that you just want to blow it all over her breasts so you can then go watch the game, that you’re only willing to go through the froo-froo shit so SHE will be happy (That’s real big of you. Douche.), then you might notice she’ll have a distinct lack of interest in\desire for your milk and cookies.

Guys, maybe fantasize about more than just the hard fucking all day. Maybe your wives aren’t into the rose petal bullshit. But think about the things you two are into. Think of things you like about the way you and your wife share your intimacy, and tell her how you feel about those things, especially how much you love them and why, even if you think she already knows. Tell her about the first part of your day, when you wake up next to her and wish you could stay there and hold her instead of going to work. While at work, tell her how you wish you were home with her, how you’d guide her to bed, lower her down, and kiss her for hours. How you’d make love to her, and all the things it would mean to you. You know, even tell her how you can imagine the two of you content in the living room afterward, doing your own things, but how happy her love for you makes you. And for God’s sake, tell her some time other than when your hands are reaching for her soft round tail.

When you get home, be romantic and let whatever will happen, happen.  It may not be like either of you had fantasized. It may be a lot better, but as long as you’re thinking about each other and what each other is feeling, it’s going to be really, really good.

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