A Post by Barbie On Trust
Once upon a time in a land that was (thank, God) far away, I almost married a man who knew about as much about caring for things between two would be spouses as he did about how to cancel his Sunday tee-time. Nothing. I would tell him things that I assumed (wrongly) that he would understand were to remain between us as future spouses. I thought I was protected by husband/wife confidentiality (or in our case, fiance confidentiality).
And I'm not even talking little things like telling him I planned to surprise my Mom with a Siberian husky puppy on her birthday, then he spilled the secret. I'd have loved for it to be something that innocuous. Nope, the times Tristan showed me we had little to no husband/wife confidentiality between us were much more important.
Imagine, if you will, that you discover your fiance's best guy friend has had some less than flattering things to say about you to mutual friends. You're understandably upset, so you go to your fiance, not for him to fix it, but rather, just for his reassurance and support. Now imagine that against all your protests, suddenly he has called his friend, has him coming over so that the three of you can all "talk this out," and when his friend arrives, your fiance opens text messages you sent him earlier in the day to read aloud in front of his friend so that the three of you can have "everything on the table."
But you didn't WANT everything on the table! All you wanted was love and support from your fiance, to talk to him and confide your feelings in him.
This brings me to my point about husband/wife confidentiality. Which, I call it husband/wife confidentiality, but it can be boyfriend/girlfriend confidentiality. Whatever state your relationship is in if it is, in fact, the type of relationship to which I'm referring. This doesn't mean that everything said between a couple must be kept between the two of them and only them for all time--not by any means. What it does mean, however, is that couples should practice some common sense and realize when your significant other comes to you to talk about things of a sensitive nature it might not be the best judgment to blab her feelings and thoughts to anyone who will listen. After all, your significant other is yours to protect, and his or her thoughts should be kept close to your heart and safeguarded, as he or she has trusted you enough to share them.
Your spouse should feel they can open their heart and mind to you without fear that you will drop the ball--or the secrets of their hearts--out into conversation (or heaven forbid, arguments with other people) for anyone to hear. Make a commitment to your spouse today and every day to listen and hear the deepest needs, worries, problems, fears they have, then make a commitment to yourself that you will tuck those needs, worries, problems, and fears deep into the place you would store your own secrets. Respect them in the same way you would your own.
Because once a husband betrays a confidence or a wife betrays a husband's confidence, there is a fissure in their relationship that may be difficult if possible to repair.
However, if that husband/wife confidentiality is strong and true, the way mine and Ken's is now, you'll feel comfortable telling each other anything and everything. You'll never be afraid they might slip up and tell someone something you don't want them to know or that you have to issue a disclaimer of "keep this between the two of us" every time you confide in your significant other. The comfort and trust that comes with knowing you can talk to your spouse about anything and everything deepens the bond between you in ways many things can't. It lets you know they have you, no matter what.
One Barbie and her Ken tell their secrets to real romantic relationships like you've never heard them before.
Monday, July 2, 2012
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Finally Getting It Right: An Introduction
Her Story:
Two years ago I knew I'd be married today. What I didn't know is who exactly I’d
be married to, because two years ago my life was very different. I spent my
days at Giant Company of Doom working my tail off in their advertising department
(where I'd previously sold my soul to the devil to achieve a menial,
entry-level position), then my evenings going home to my fiancé-at-the-time,
Tristan the Great. He was fun,
energetic, the life of the party—which everyone but me loved about him.
Which brings me to how I met my co-author— and now husband—
Ken.
Tristan the Great and Ken both worked at the same Giant
Company of Doom as me, only they worked in Graphic Design. I'd met Ken several times, since I often
tagged along when Tristan went out for drinks with coworkers from his
department. From what I knew of Ken, he
seemed like a nice guy. Quiet, but
nice. Little did I know that soon he'd
become my biggest help and ally.
Two years later, I sit, a little older and a little wiser,
but infinitely happier. I'm married to
the man of my dreams, and we have a relationship that, before I met Ken, I
thought was only possible in sappy movies or in the most well-imagined romance
novels. It's a relationship filled with
mutual trust, respect, and more sex that I ever thought I’d want!
So what makes our relationship different from other
relationships? We're not entirely sure,
but we've sure come up with a lot of theories. One of them is that so many
couples think they're in love, but they're actually "doing" love
wrong. They act within romantic
relationships in ways simply because over the years, they've learned by example
of family or tall tales from friends or pop culture references and gender stereotypes
that it is how all couples should and do act within a monogamous relationship.
~Barbie~
His Story:
Two years ago I found what I needed more than anything else
in my life. For different people it's different things, but for me it's a
person. I'm going to shock you now: I'm talking about my co-host, Barbie.
Barbie came into my life two years ago, and we didn't fall
in love at first sight. She was engaged to one of our coworkers at the time. A
fairly decent guy as near as I could tell. I was no home-wrecker, they seemed
happy, and what's more I had no interest in finding love. Back in high school I
had a rough experience. I've always been an old soul, and I fell for a teenage
girl (Amber) hard and deep. Harder than high schoolers are supposed to be able
to love someone. When life happened and we went our separate ways to college, I
was a lot more devastated than she was. There was a level of feeling she never
got to, a place within herself that she never found for me, and it kept what we
had from ever becoming something greater than it was. I spent years watching
for that feeling to happen again with someone else, that element of something
real that I sensed could lead to something incredible. But I didn't find it.
Five years passed, total, and I eventually decided to content myself to be a
bachelor (and a goddamned happy one, at that) for the rest of my life if the
right person never came along.
Here's the thing, though. Barbie's fiancé, Tristan, wasn't a
fine, upstanding individual. And love wasn't finished with me. Soon we found we
had to ally together through one of the most bizarre situations of each of our
lives, and along the way we learned a whole lot about love. If you keep reading
this blog you'll find all the things we've learned, and maybe even get to know
our story, strange as it is.
--Ken
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