A Post By Ken On Romance
This blog post is on the topic of fantasy, and why it’s
important for romantic humans and other living things, minus the other living
things.
When I say fantasy, I don’t mean dragons, Hufflepuffs, or
green absinthe fairies, either. I’m talking the fantasizing, sexual and
otherwise, that people need in order for their lives to be something other than
mundane, methodical, mechanical “m”ness that so many relationships
unfortunately devolve into.
First, let’s open with some generalizations:
1.)
Both men and women need fantasies in order to
get into an amorous mood.
2.)
The healthiest sex lives happen when both the
men and women (or men and men, women and women, as the case may be) both have
deep, imaginative fantasies and express them to each other’s mutual
satisfaction.
3.)
As it stands, women tend to have deeper, more
in-depth fantasies.
Number three is where a lot of disconnects happen in
couples’ sex lives. It’s where a misunderstanding occurs, usually in men,
regarding romance, preamble to intimacy, and how to approach it. To many men’s
thinking, for instance, there can be a list of “right” things a good man does. This
list may include sprinkling a trail of rose petals to the bed, fancy dinner,
mood lighting, whatever. They may perform all these things like exactly that, a
checklist. Then their wife gets home from work, and for some reason, she’s not
quite as lubed as he might have hoped.
There’s another common scenario along these lines that may
demonstrate the point a bit clearer. Say you (the guy) are at work all day, and
you’re imaging making love to or fucking the hell out of your wife when you get
home. You want to get her in on this mindset, so you pull out your phone and
snap off a text. It may read something to the tune of, “Mmm, baby. I’d love to
fuck you right now.”
Her reply may be something along the lines of, “Oh. Hot. Can
you pick up a gallon of milk on the way home?”
Okay, so that response doesn’t really feel like you knocked
one out of the park. Maybe when you get home, you set up the house sort of like
I described in the previous example, rose petals and all, and she STILL doesn’t
seem ready to go. Oh noes! Straightforward dirty talk didn’t work, and neither
did sweet-as-honey romancin’? You can’t win! Are the fires dead? Has
the sex gone stale already, just like everyone said it would since before you
got married, because they’re assholes?
Hold on, slow down wait woah stop! Back up. It’s not as bad
as you think. There’s a reason something went wrong here, and it’s entirely
correctable. But first, some science.
I’ll preface this by saying, both men and women should
really enjoy the kind of fantasy I’m about to delve into. The generalizations
I’m making by gender are unfortunate, but unfortunately often true.
Guys, here’s a secret to female smexuality: Where guys
fantasize in images like massive cocks plunging into tight vaginas (or other
places), women fantasize about all the different stages of sex. From sweet
texts/gifts/phone calls during the day to the way you nibble her
whatever-you-please when you’re naked in the dark, to when you lick the sweat
off each other afterward, right through to the moment when you wake up and open
your eyes and see her the next morning.
That’s why when you sent that aforementioned text during the
day about wanting to fuck her, it didn’t fall flat because she’s frigid, it
fell flat because it’s an incomplete picture. It’s like if you sent her a
picture of Ronald McDonald, but it was cropped just to his big, sexy red feet. Or
something.
“But wait!” you say. “Sure, that didn’t work, but what about all that shit I did when I got home? Complete picture? I practically painted a canvas by hand.”
“But wait!” you say. “Sure, that didn’t work, but what about all that shit I did when I got home? Complete picture? I practically painted a canvas by hand.”
See, now we get to where the fantasy part comes
in. For a woman to be properly involved in the fantasy scene you set up for her
she has to, well, fantasize about it. She has to anticipate it, imagine how
great it will be, live it in her head so that by the time she gets home it’s
like stepping into a movie she knows and loves already. What’s more, and this
is the really hard part, part of her fantasy is that you fantasize about it,
too. That’s why the surprise of it all doesn’t always go so well.
The same thinking applies to the harder stuff, too. A man
sitting around at work imagining flipping his wife onto her back and letting
out a roar straight from his chest as he pounds orgasm after orgasm out of her
is fantasy, and that’s healthy for him. And your average straight woman with a
healthy sex drive can appreciate this one, too, if he actually tells her the
fantasy, and why he’s imaging it. Say, because he finds her hot as hell and
won’t be satisfied until they fuck.
Therein lies another fantasy, and it’s one of the hottest a
woman can have: imagining the man she loves fantasizing about her. Now,
granted, you’ll always do a lot better if you tell her how you’re focusing on
more romantic things in addition the whole fucking image. Maybe tell her how
you imagine picking her up and carrying her along that trail of rose pet- heh hehe
*cough cough* Shit sorry, I can’t write that lame shit and keep a straight
face. But whatever works for you. Points is, tell her how hot YOU find the
idea, and you might be surprised how much she warms to the idea. Conversely, if
you imply that the trimmings are tedious to you, that you think romance is
stupid, that you just want to blow it all over her breasts so you can then go
watch the game, that you’re only willing to go through the froo-froo shit so
SHE will be happy (That’s real big of you. Douche.), then you might notice
she’ll have a distinct lack of interest in\desire for your milk and cookies.
Guys, maybe fantasize about more than just the hard fucking
all day. Maybe your wives aren’t into the rose petal bullshit. But think about
the things you two are into. Think of
things you like about the way you and your wife share your intimacy, and tell
her how you feel about those things, especially how much you love them and why,
even if you think she already knows. Tell her about the first part of your day,
when you wake up next to her and wish you could stay there and hold her instead
of going to work. While at work, tell her how you wish you were home with her,
how you’d guide her to bed, lower her down, and kiss her for hours. How you’d
make love to her, and all the things it would mean to you. You know, even tell
her how you can imagine the two of you content in the living room afterward,
doing your own things, but how happy her love for you makes you. And for God’s
sake, tell her some time other than when your hands are reaching for her soft
round tail.
When you get home, be romantic and let whatever will happen,
happen. It may not be like either of you
had fantasized. It may be a lot better, but as long as you’re thinking about
each other and what each other is feeling, it’s going to be really, really
good.